MARCH REALLY SUCKS!

      It just does. True – it does “come in like a lion and go out like a lamb,” but it seems to maul us in the process.

      Nothing good seems to happen in March. And the Ides of March, well, I have my own I’ds of March to deal with: I’d better stop watching so much television (basketball), I’d better get my taxes ready, I’d better go on a diet, and at this moment I’d rather be living anywhere but here.

     They say you can’t hurry love. Well, you also can’t hurry those 31 days. But there are only a few left so, on the morning of April 1st I’ll be standing on our patio, looking heaven-ward, arms outstretched, and ready to welcome it in. I think T.S. Eliot got it wrong. April is not the cruelest month – it’s March.

APRIL IS THE MONTH OF THE DIET.

     We usually gain a few pounds over the winter, and in April most of us try to slim down to get ready for the warmer months. Because we know this is ahead of us, I think we should declare March the Month of Comfort Food. We should eat pasta, gorge on macaroni, eat fast food, and not skip dessert. I would suggest starting out this decadent month by trying my recipe for Sicilian Meatballs – A Recipe You Can’t Refuse. I will post it this weekend.

April is the cruelest month. – T.S. Eliot

     This is a how-to series on dieting, but not so much on how to lose weight; it’s how to keep your sanity while you are doing it. And you can do it with humor.

     I’m doing my thirty days of dieting during the month of April. To many this is diet month – the time to drop some of the pounds we always put on during the winter. I’m starting on April first, and I see irony in the fact that I’m starting my diet on April Fool’s Day.

     It seems that April has been depicted as “Diet Month.” As a result, I will offer tips and insights into dieting to help you through the next 30 days:

Diet Day 1:

     “I’ve removed all of the bad food from my house. And it was delicious.” – anonymous author

Diet Day 2:

     On diet portion control: “Never eat more than you can lift.” – Miss Piggy

Diet Day 3:

     NOT WHAT I WAS HOPING FOR: I hate it when I go to the kitchen for food and all I find are ingredients. – Pinterest

Diet Day 4:

     Dietary deception: “Whoever put the “s” in fast food was a clever bastard.” – Bill Murray

Diet Day 5:

     When you’re dieting, don’t forget the fruits: “A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do.” – P. J. O’Rourke

Diet Day 6:

     Regarding dieting: “Remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and beauty does come in all shapes and sizes. Small. Large. Circular. Square. Thin crust. Thick crust. Stuffed crust. And extra toppings.” – anonymous author

Diet Day 7:

     Today’s weight loss tip: “Use superglue as lip gloss.” – Seen on a t-shirt

     Regarding messages on t-shirts: I have always had the fear of getting a reputation as being a “dirty old man.” I love to read t-shirts, and I oftentimes think their message is hilarious, but I’m very uncomfortable reading women’s t-shirts. I don’t want them to think I’m staring at their chests. And I think it’s perceived as being especially creepy when I have to read the message through my bifocals.” – Bob Miller

Diet Day 8:

     If dieting, these are some kitchen tips YOU SHOULD IGNORE:
“How do you keep cake moist? You eat it all in one sitting.”
“How should you store pie? You shouldn’t. You should eat it all in one sitting.”
“How should you store leftover French fries? I don’t know. I’ve personally never had any leftover French fries.” – authors unknown

Diet Day 9:

     “Fell off your diet this weekend? Not to worry. Taking a step backward after taking a step forward isn’t a disaster, it’s more like a cha-cha.”

Diet Day 10:

     It’s at this point you need to remind yourself “Dieting is actually easy. It’s like riding a bike. Except the bike is on fire. The ground is on fire. And everything is on fire, because you’re in hell.”

Diet Day 11:

     And there’s also terrible dieting advice: “I’m on the diet where you exclusively eat vegetables and drink wine. It’s a good diet. I’ve lost 10 pounds, but I’ve also lost my driver’s license.” – Larry the Cable Guy

Diet Day 12:

     What to do with leftover Easter treats: “You know you’re off your diet when you had eggs for breakfast, and they were Cadburys.”

Diet Day 13:

     “Remember the first day of my diet when I removed all of the ‘bad food’ from my house? Well, now I desperately need a chocolate fix, and I’m frantically going through my baking supplies to find a couple of squares of semisweet baking chocolate I can nibble on.” – Bob Miller

Diet Day 14:

     My Conflicting Goals Regarding Exercise and Dieting:

“I want buns of steel, but I also want buns of cinnamon.” – Pinterest

Diet Day 15:

     Dietary Feature #15 of 30 days of dieting: We are halfway through April, and for those of you who have already accomplished your goal or are off of your diet (for whatever reason), you can now “Eat whatever you want, and if someone tries to lecture you about your weight, EAT THEM TOO.” – anonymous

Diet Day 16:

     True Confession – I ate some chocolate this past weekend; however, technically I don’t think that’s a breach of my diet. According to a pin on Pinterest, “Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. So, in a way, eating chocolate is like eating a salad.” Right?

Diet Day 17:

     From last Friday through Monday I took a four-day hiatus from my dieting and exercising. I’m blaming the blizzard for this. I just needed some good comfort food to give me the will to live. This morning I discovered a note on the kitchen counter that read, “I see you’ve been eating everything you want and not exercising.” It was a message from My Pants. 

Diet Day 18:

     “Didn’t go to the gym today, but the cashier’s name at McDonalds was Jim. So, same thing…Right?” – Pinterest

Diet Day 19:

     YEARS AGO, I STARTED MARTIAL ARTS TRAINING because I thought it would be a good way to lose weight. My progress has been slow but deliberate, but now I’m at the age where “I’m no longer pursuing a black belt – I’m pursuing black suspenders.” – Pinterest

Diet Day 20:

SEEKING THAT VITAL ORGAN

Fanny Fern says, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

Roseann Barr says, “The way to a man’s heart is through his chest.”

Ways to my heart:             “

1. Buy me food.

2. Make me food.

3. Be food.” – another t-shirt sighting

Diet Day 21:

     If you are dieting AND also exercising, keep this in mind: “The Exorcist was probably the worst workout movie ever.” – anonymous

Diet Day 22:

     If you think the relationship with your diet has become a toxic one, compose a “Dear John” letter and have it ready to send just in case you want to end it (your diet that is). Example:
“Dear Diet, things just aren’t going to work out between us. It’s not me, it’s you. You are tasteless, boring and I can’t stop cheating on you.” –from Amen, Brother

Diet Day 23

     Whoops – “On January 1st, I made a goal to lose 10 pounds in 2018. It’s now April, and I have only 15 more to go.”

Diet Day 24:

     Pas de Regrets (no regrets) – “I’ve made a lot of mistakes falling in love, and regretted most of them, but never the meals that came with them.” – Nora Ephron

Diet Day 25:

     “Don’t you just hate it when you’re on the treadmill and you accidently hit the stop button and go to Taco Johns and eat a burrito?” – Pinterest

Diet Day 26:

     “A really bad idea: giving your significant other diet food or a protein shake as a romantic gesture.” – anonymous

Diet Day 27:

     I think we need to add an OPPOSING VIEWPOINT to our segments. Love her or hate her, the original domestic goddess, ROSEANNE BARR, has in the past weighed in (pun intended) on this topic, so I’m adding her quote: “Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we’ll take up, and the more we’ll have to be reckoned with. While I may not be dieting, I did quite smoking. I feel better. I smell better, and it’s safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.”

Diet Day 28:

     Under MINDING YOUR MANNERS (a dilemma) – You’re sharing a pizza with someone. Should you take that last piece of pizza? I say go ahead. You’ve been on a diet, and you’ve been good. Treat yourself and forget the sharing. While they say there’s no “I” in TEAM, there’s also no “U” in PIZZA, but there is an “I”. – Bob Miller

Diet Day 29: 

As a serious lover of good food and drink, it definitely goes against my nature to diet. I agree with James Beard in that “A gourmet counting calories is like a tart looking at her watch.” But really, we all need to exercise some form of restraint. Otherwise, next April we’ll be back here doing this all over again, and I’ll have to find thirty more quips and quotes. – Bob Miller

I constantly walk into a room and I don’t remember why. But for some reason, I think there’s going to be a clue in the fridge. – Carolyn Rhea

Diet Day 30 of 30:

TO THE LADIES, dieting or not, “Always remember, that YOU are the most beautiful woman in the world. Your weight, your height, your eyes, your scars, your idiosyncrasies, your complexion, and your sartorial choices have nothing to do with beauty. The mirror lies darling. It does. Your heart is where all the beauty rests. And of course, it’s your smile that sprinkles a dash of magic! The world is a better place because of your gorgeous smile. ― Manprit Kaur
TO THE MEN, dieting or not, the reality is our significant others probably wish we weighed less, had more hair, made more money, were more charming, better looking, and more attentive. But always remember, as imperfect as we are, as long as we are continuing to open jars with lids that are stuck, are killing spiders, are providing some comic relief from time to time, and adore them I think we will always have a place in their hearts no matter what.” – Bob Miller
IT’S BEEN A KICK. Thanks for reading my stuff. I still plan to do the Quips and Quotes, but not daily. It will probably be about two or three times a week. So, when you see the little chef, hopefully the message will cause a laugh or a smile to help you get through your day. walk out without a smile on our face, a zing in your step, and a high dose of faith in your heart.”― Manprit Kaur